Sunday, January 29, 2012

Newt's Three Weddings = Great President

If you're not aware of the fact yet, Newt Gingrich has had three marriages, and two divorces.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what I meant to say was...

Three traditional marriages and two traditional divorces.  And two traditional affairs.  None of that faggoty, gay, homo stuff.  You know, those homos that are destroying traditional marriage.  And ruining it for people like Newt...


If you're at Fox News, somehow his infidelity, dishonesty, and general scuminess (real word?) are good traits in a president.  What's that you say?  I must be talking about an Onion article right?  Guess again...

I will tell you what Mr. Gingrich’s personal history actually means for those of us who want to right the economy, see our neighbors and friends go back to work, promote freedom here and abroad and defeat the growing threat posed by Iran and other evil regimes.

You can?  DO go on...

1) Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.
Damn, why couldn't one of those be me.  I'm moved by his emotional energy.  See!  I'm blogging about him!
2) Two of these women felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married. 
And this is related... how?
 3 ) One of them felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time, was not exactly her equal in the looks department and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible. 
Such passion!  If only the rest of America could be moved in such ways.

4) Two women—Mr. Gingrich’s first two wives—have sat down with him while he delivered to them incredibly painful truths: that he no longer loved them as he did before, that he had fallen in love with other women and that he needed to follow his heart, despite the great price he would pay financially and the risk he would be taking with his reputation.
Those are treasonous words.  Are you saying Newt will fall out of love with America?  Mitt Romney never would, he would love America to death, after taking all its money and firing all its workers...

5) Mr. Gingrich’s daughters from his first marriage are among his most vigorous supporters. They obviously adore him and respect him and feel grateful for the kind of father he was.
These must be why Republicans are so "pro-life"... potential voters!

So in conclusion, Newt's passion for America would make him a great president.  And Fox wants him to seduce America, perhaps a younger, hotter America, using some nice lingerie to hold up his man boobs.  And when he's done, he'll get us all some diamonds from Tiffany's!  You get some diamonds!  You get some diamonds!  YOU get some diamonds!  (Oprah style)

All joking aside, this article is so incredibly stupid.  And yet, we all know there are Republicans out there who will justify every wrongdoing of not only Newt but all Republicans as something good.  a.k.a. the fuck up known as the Bush-Iraq-war-venture-oil-fun-time.  Do YOU want to see a President Gingrich?

Seducing America?


p.s. If you want to be really confused, read this whole article out loud to yourself.  Its pretty tough actually.

p.p.s.  My creative, amazing sister made those photoshop images above.  Please check out her website with her great art and photography.

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